The Calm Down Conundrum

We’ve all heard it!

The Two Words That Ignite, Not Soothe; Calm Down! A phrase that has never actually calmed anyone down.

Those words; 'calm down’ said in moments of frustration, anger, or even mild irritation? The irony is palpable, isn’t it? Instead of a serene wave of tranquillity, it feels like more frustration builds inside us.

Jump to

• Unpacking the Emotion Behind The Words

• Educate on Emotional Intelligence

• My Tips For Remaining Calm

Think about the last time you were told to 'calm down!'?

And how did it make you feel? Shut down? Irrelevant? Misunderstood?

Let's face it, it’s unlikely that on hearing them words you drifted immediately into a zen state.

But let's give our friends, partners, and colleagues the benefit of the doubt. In their minds, they're extending an olive branch, trying to pacify a situation. Their intentions might stem from genuine concern.

However, in most scenarios, what they're unintentionally doing is muffling your voice. It’s akin to saying that your feelings, no matter how valid, are an overreaction. Yet isn’t the core of our agitation often a simple plea to be understood?

Unpacking the Emotion Behind The Words

Imagine you’re ‘animatedly’ expressing yourself, and in comes that interjection:

"Calm down!"

Suddenly, a cocktail of emotions stirs within you.

You feel shut down as if a door has been slammed in your face.

The sensation of being misunderstood sets in.

The gnawing realisation that you’re not being heard follows.

And the crowning jewel? The urge to, perhaps, fling the nearest (soft and harmless) object in sheer exasperation.

Far from being calm... you’re now an agitated whirlwind.

A simple shift in dialogue works wonders. It acknowledges the other person's emotions, offering them a platform to be heard and understood. Here’s how to deal with the Calm Down Conundrum

Educate on Emotional Intelligence

Highlight to the person attempting to ‘calm you down’, that instead of their dismissive words, leaning in to say, "I can see you're stressed” or “help me understand what’s going on with you”, would be received much better.

When the script is flipped and we channel emotional intelligence we can be sympathetic and supportive to the other person, rather than adding fuel to the fire. Don’t fear asking for understanding and empathy. You can say, "I would appreciate your support and understanding right now." This reminds the person that you value their support rather than feeling dismissed.

However, if you’re encountering a repeat offender, or someone who consistently dismisses your emotions by telling you to calm down, it may be necessary to set boundaries or escalate the issue to professionals; life coaches, career coaches or online training can be particularly effective.

My Tips For Remaining Calm

• Before reacting, assess your emotions: Take a moment to check in with yourself and determine whether you actually need to calm down or if your feelings are justified.

• Breathe and pause; if you do feel overwhelmed or emotional, take a deep breath and pause for a moment. This can help you regain composure and think more clearly.

• Ask the person to clarify their statement and offer perspective. You can say something like, "could you please explain why you think I should calm down?".

• Calmly express how you're feeling and why. Use "I" statements to communicate your emotions. For example, say, "I feel frustrated because..." or "I'm upset because..."

• Maintain composure and avoid escalating the situation. Reacting with anger or defensiveness may not help the situation.

• Agree to disagree, sometimes, people have different perspectives, and it's not always possible to change their opinion.

When we're stressed or striving to articulate our feelings, our primary grievance is the feeling of being unheard. It's a silent scream into the void. From the casual "calm down," we might hear more damaging labels. "You’re always so stressed" or "Why are you overreacting?" Such comments transform our temporary emotional state into a defining trait.

They turn that one-time rant about mismatched socks into an encompassing character flaw! (Yes, this is from experience). In essence, when we tell someone to "calm down”, we might be inadvertently amplifying their distress. But by seeking to understand and empathise, we can diffuse tension and offer genuine comfort.

So, the next time someone is having an emotional moment, or showing signs of distress, let's try to listen actively and respond with empathy. After all, understanding is the first step towards genuine calm. And if you’re on the receiving end, think about the context - is there genuine concern about your well-being, or were they being dismissive? Understanding the intention can help you respond appropriately.